a cloudy future

Only a month ago if you had asked me where I would be living in June, I would have told you without a moment's hesitation that I was moving home to the States. Since the end of August, I had pretty much made my decision to move to America and settle down there at least for a year or two, maybe forever even. Now I am so torn and confused. Half my heart is here in Thailand and half of my heart is in the States. I have no idea what to do. In a lot of ways it is so much scarier to move home to America. Its actually a little terrifying thinking of all I will leave behind and all I will be giving up. In a lot of ways it was a sacrafice to move here. But now it feels like the tables turned and it would be just as big a sacrafice to move home in a lot of ways. This is all I know of life as an adult. This has been my last three years of my life and even before that so much of me was consumed with plans to come here.

Its just as scary to stay here though too. I see so man problems with this school and so much that needs to change and be done differently. I see so much within this ministry that I don't know if I can support. This lifestyle is draining and I see how it leaves people jaded and bitter and lackluster with God. I am just as terrified to leave as I am to stay.

I am trying to just rest in the Lord and wait for Him to reveal His perfect plan in His perfect timing. I am seeking your prayers though as I wait upon Him. I have until January 4th to decide. I know it is not where I live but how I live that makes the difference. I know that God will not have been with me all this time and then just abandon me now when I need His direction the most. I know this Truth but in a lot of ways my fears are clouding the Truth from my heart. My fears are in regrets I might make and in living a purposeless life. I don't want to lose my passion and vision.

There is a song that was made for one of the Narnia movies (I don't remember which one) but I can't listen to it without crying. It fits pretty perfectly what my heart is feeling right now. I'll post it below. Thank you for your prayers! I reall appreciate them!