new year, new beginnings

Happy 2013 everyone! :) I was able to go to the States for Christmas and spend two weeks with my family in the cold weather! I loved being cold and having lots of snow! I was looking forward to the heat of Thailand again though, only to land and have it be 75 degrees! It was FREEZING! I couldn't believe it! haha.....Only people who have spent time in Thailand would understand how 75 degrees could be cold! :)

I am really glad that I was given the chance to go home for a short time. As I shared in my last blog post, I was so uncertain about my future and what to do. I didn't know what to do or what I was going to decide. I used the time at home to gain clarity and really seek the Lord and what His Will for me might be for next year. I feel like it is the right decision to move back to the States next year. It was an emotional decision to make for sure! Everytime someone would even ask me about my plans for next year I would start to cry! I think my mom was starting to get a little worried about me! I am not usually so emotional.

I was starting to second guess my decision because of how emotional I was getting. I spent sometime in prayer on the plane ride back (I had enough time! :)) and I just asked the  Lord to fill me with His peace. I was worried about what I would feel landing in Bangkok...knowing it was my last time. As soon as I landed though and stepped off the plane, I was filled with such an overwhelming sense of peace! I know that this is what is right for me. God is so faithful! Even yesterday as I handed in my form letting them know I would not be returning, I felt such a strong sense of peace!

I know that it will still be emotional to say goodbye and I know I still might waver occassionally in my decision but I can always be reminded of that peace I experienced in the airport.

I don't know what my future in the States will look like. I don't know what I will do when I get there or what my life will consist of. This week though my verse my students are learning is Matthew 6:33 "Seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." As long as I concern myself with seeking the Lord, being dedicated to spending time with Him in prayer and being a lover of His Word, He will guide and direct my steps. I am resting in His Promise and His Goodness! :) Thank you for all of your prayers and support!

a cloudy future

Only a month ago if you had asked me where I would be living in June, I would have told you without a moment's hesitation that I was moving home to the States. Since the end of August, I had pretty much made my decision to move to America and settle down there at least for a year or two, maybe forever even. Now I am so torn and confused. Half my heart is here in Thailand and half of my heart is in the States. I have no idea what to do. In a lot of ways it is so much scarier to move home to America. Its actually a little terrifying thinking of all I will leave behind and all I will be giving up. In a lot of ways it was a sacrafice to move here. But now it feels like the tables turned and it would be just as big a sacrafice to move home in a lot of ways. This is all I know of life as an adult. This has been my last three years of my life and even before that so much of me was consumed with plans to come here.

Its just as scary to stay here though too. I see so man problems with this school and so much that needs to change and be done differently. I see so much within this ministry that I don't know if I can support. This lifestyle is draining and I see how it leaves people jaded and bitter and lackluster with God. I am just as terrified to leave as I am to stay.

I am trying to just rest in the Lord and wait for Him to reveal His perfect plan in His perfect timing. I am seeking your prayers though as I wait upon Him. I have until January 4th to decide. I know it is not where I live but how I live that makes the difference. I know that God will not have been with me all this time and then just abandon me now when I need His direction the most. I know this Truth but in a lot of ways my fears are clouding the Truth from my heart. My fears are in regrets I might make and in living a purposeless life. I don't want to lose my passion and vision.

There is a song that was made for one of the Narnia movies (I don't remember which one) but I can't listen to it without crying. It fits pretty perfectly what my heart is feeling right now. I'll post it below. Thank you for your prayers! I reall appreciate them!

celebrating fathers!

Father's Day is fast approaching here at GES! It arrives next Tuesday! As a part of our ceremony in our classroom, we have made a father's day video about why our dads are special. The video itself is too big to upload here on my blog, but I have a few clips that make me smile.
This is Vegas: Don't worry if you don't know what he said because I have no idea, the other students have no idea, and even Vegas himself has no idea what he said! He is such a character! I love this kid!

This is Oh. She pretends to be super shy but really she is a little drama queen. She is so quirky and funny! She says she loves her dad because he does not eat her donuts!

And this is Nana. Her video is so precious. I know there is a lot of background noise. She says that her dad is special because he is from Hong Kong but he comes to Thailand just to see her face! :)

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!!!!!

the cost of independence

My thai students are young at heart. Their parents do everything for them! I have had parents ask me to pack their backpacks for them after school and write down their homework for them in their books. For 21 students, this would take FOREVER! I gently explained to each one how important it is for them to learn independence and how to do things on their own. This is after all a highly treasured trait in the States. Parents teach their children from a young age how to be independent and it is something that I have always striven for. I guess being the only girl in a family of boys I felt like I had something to prove by being able to not have to rely on my dad or mom or on anyone. My housemate and I were talking about how different the attitudes of our students here are from children in the States. They just seem so much younger and naive and carefree. I have been considering this push of independence a lot this weekend because of that conversation. So naturally God would use that to teach me a Truth from Him! I love that about Him!

This morning before school, I was listening to a sermon online. He was talking about how in the world independence is a mark of maturity, but from a spiritual standpoint that is not true. It is actually the opposite. When we are dependent on the Lord and fully trusting in Him that is a mark of spiritual maturity. When we throw up or hands and admit that we need Him....we are going through growing pains! Just another example of how our lives are to look so opposite of what the world strives for. I looked back through my prayer journal and I saw so many times when I prayed Lord "I need to do...." "I want to..." Even when I am praying about issues and circumstances in my life I am holding onto them with two hands. I am trying to prove to God that I am independent when what he really wants is for me to let go and place it all in His Hands. Once again, my Buddhist students are modeling for me how to live. I love how God uses them in my life. Sometimes I wonder who ministers to the other more...me to them or them to me! :)

a quick update

Sorry I have neglected the blog lately but thank you to everyone who has been checking it looking for new posts! It is always nice to be reminded of the support I have on the other side of the world. I know that many people back home are without power and low on grocery store items, and I have seen the pictures of the devestation in New York and New Jersey online. It brought back memories of our flood last year. I know how difficult circumstances like this can be! I am so blessed though that God spared Thailand from a flood this year. We just had our October break. Two long blissful weeks off of school! Last year this is when we were in the middle of our flood crisis. Our break was extended but it was stressful and not as restful as this year. Tomorrow we start our second semester-On TIME! Crazy! I am not ready to go back to working. I have become spoiled reading books, lounging around, and making delicious food. I am ready to see my students though. On Monday a parent took me out to eat and last night I saw one of my student's parents at the grocery store. It as so nice to see them and it reminded me of my love for them and how lucky I am to teach them and spend the rest of this year with them!

Tomorrow though means the start of the Christmas program and Christmas music. Some in the states might be moaning but I am excited! I love Christmas and I especially love this time I get to spend with my students deocrating our classroom, singing Christmas songs, and talking about why Jesus came as a baby. It is such a special time here and I am so excited to start it all tomorrow!

Please be in prayer for my student's hearts and for me as well as we prepare for this Christmas season! yay! :)

God's provision

This week in devotions we are learning about the story of Jonah. As I was reading them the story today I got to the part where Jonah gets swallowed by the fish. I noticed a word I had never seen before. It says that God "provided" the fish for Jonah. I had never thought about that before. I don't know if Jonah would have been able to swim back to shore or if he would have died in that water, but I don't think he wanted to be swallowed by a fish either. All day long I have been thinking of things in my life that God has "provided" for me but they are not what I would have chosen. I often see them as inconveniences or complications instead of blessings. God clearly provided that fish to wake Jonah up and make him follow His leading. To turn Jonah away from his own sinful heart and agenda and lead him to His plan. I definitely think God has provided some "fish" for me this year to wake me up and take a look at whose desires I am following!

what goes around...better not come to me!

So the sick bug has hit GES...HARD! Yesterday we had 5 teachers out sick and about 3 more that probably should have been. Two of those teachers live with me! I am really hoping that I do not get sick.

On top of the sickness that is going around is an air of restlessness and frustration. I feel like I am part of the one to blame for this. It is only natural that we all discuss our plans for next year. Who is coming back, who isn't, and who is on the fence. We speculate about people's decisions all year long! I have really been struggling with what my own decision will be and I have confided in a few people what my hesitations are and what I am feeling. I feel like I created a monster because now those two people, who were so sure before, are now frustrated at what are my concerns for next year. I know that it is only September, but we are almost half-way done with our school year. For people in America they think, you have so much time! And I do have a lot of time! But while their school year is just starting mine is almost halfway done. If I leave now or if I stay will greatly change how I live these last few months....I think.

There is still so much I want to do and see here in Thailand. But when it comes down to it, my purpose in being here does not change if I stay next year or if I leave. Here in Thailand, in the States, or somewhere else in the world I only want my life to point back to God, to return to Him His Glory.

Please be in prayer for the hearts and attitudes of the staff. Also be in prayer that regardless of the decision I make or when I make it that I would still be focused on each day here. On living in a manner worthy of His calling. And you can pray that I don't get sick! :)