a cloudy future

Only a month ago if you had asked me where I would be living in June, I would have told you without a moment's hesitation that I was moving home to the States. Since the end of August, I had pretty much made my decision to move to America and settle down there at least for a year or two, maybe forever even. Now I am so torn and confused. Half my heart is here in Thailand and half of my heart is in the States. I have no idea what to do. In a lot of ways it is so much scarier to move home to America. Its actually a little terrifying thinking of all I will leave behind and all I will be giving up. In a lot of ways it was a sacrafice to move here. But now it feels like the tables turned and it would be just as big a sacrafice to move home in a lot of ways. This is all I know of life as an adult. This has been my last three years of my life and even before that so much of me was consumed with plans to come here.

Its just as scary to stay here though too. I see so man problems with this school and so much that needs to change and be done differently. I see so much within this ministry that I don't know if I can support. This lifestyle is draining and I see how it leaves people jaded and bitter and lackluster with God. I am just as terrified to leave as I am to stay.

I am trying to just rest in the Lord and wait for Him to reveal His perfect plan in His perfect timing. I am seeking your prayers though as I wait upon Him. I have until January 4th to decide. I know it is not where I live but how I live that makes the difference. I know that God will not have been with me all this time and then just abandon me now when I need His direction the most. I know this Truth but in a lot of ways my fears are clouding the Truth from my heart. My fears are in regrets I might make and in living a purposeless life. I don't want to lose my passion and vision.

There is a song that was made for one of the Narnia movies (I don't remember which one) but I can't listen to it without crying. It fits pretty perfectly what my heart is feeling right now. I'll post it below. Thank you for your prayers! I reall appreciate them!

celebrating fathers!

Father's Day is fast approaching here at GES! It arrives next Tuesday! As a part of our ceremony in our classroom, we have made a father's day video about why our dads are special. The video itself is too big to upload here on my blog, but I have a few clips that make me smile.
This is Vegas: Don't worry if you don't know what he said because I have no idea, the other students have no idea, and even Vegas himself has no idea what he said! He is such a character! I love this kid!

This is Oh. She pretends to be super shy but really she is a little drama queen. She is so quirky and funny! She says she loves her dad because he does not eat her donuts!

And this is Nana. Her video is so precious. I know there is a lot of background noise. She says that her dad is special because he is from Hong Kong but he comes to Thailand just to see her face! :)

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!!!!!

the cost of independence

My thai students are young at heart. Their parents do everything for them! I have had parents ask me to pack their backpacks for them after school and write down their homework for them in their books. For 21 students, this would take FOREVER! I gently explained to each one how important it is for them to learn independence and how to do things on their own. This is after all a highly treasured trait in the States. Parents teach their children from a young age how to be independent and it is something that I have always striven for. I guess being the only girl in a family of boys I felt like I had something to prove by being able to not have to rely on my dad or mom or on anyone. My housemate and I were talking about how different the attitudes of our students here are from children in the States. They just seem so much younger and naive and carefree. I have been considering this push of independence a lot this weekend because of that conversation. So naturally God would use that to teach me a Truth from Him! I love that about Him!

This morning before school, I was listening to a sermon online. He was talking about how in the world independence is a mark of maturity, but from a spiritual standpoint that is not true. It is actually the opposite. When we are dependent on the Lord and fully trusting in Him that is a mark of spiritual maturity. When we throw up or hands and admit that we need Him....we are going through growing pains! Just another example of how our lives are to look so opposite of what the world strives for. I looked back through my prayer journal and I saw so many times when I prayed Lord "I need to do...." "I want to..." Even when I am praying about issues and circumstances in my life I am holding onto them with two hands. I am trying to prove to God that I am independent when what he really wants is for me to let go and place it all in His Hands. Once again, my Buddhist students are modeling for me how to live. I love how God uses them in my life. Sometimes I wonder who ministers to the other more...me to them or them to me! :)

a quick update

Sorry I have neglected the blog lately but thank you to everyone who has been checking it looking for new posts! It is always nice to be reminded of the support I have on the other side of the world. I know that many people back home are without power and low on grocery store items, and I have seen the pictures of the devestation in New York and New Jersey online. It brought back memories of our flood last year. I know how difficult circumstances like this can be! I am so blessed though that God spared Thailand from a flood this year. We just had our October break. Two long blissful weeks off of school! Last year this is when we were in the middle of our flood crisis. Our break was extended but it was stressful and not as restful as this year. Tomorrow we start our second semester-On TIME! Crazy! I am not ready to go back to working. I have become spoiled reading books, lounging around, and making delicious food. I am ready to see my students though. On Monday a parent took me out to eat and last night I saw one of my student's parents at the grocery store. It as so nice to see them and it reminded me of my love for them and how lucky I am to teach them and spend the rest of this year with them!

Tomorrow though means the start of the Christmas program and Christmas music. Some in the states might be moaning but I am excited! I love Christmas and I especially love this time I get to spend with my students deocrating our classroom, singing Christmas songs, and talking about why Jesus came as a baby. It is such a special time here and I am so excited to start it all tomorrow!

Please be in prayer for my student's hearts and for me as well as we prepare for this Christmas season! yay! :)

God's provision

This week in devotions we are learning about the story of Jonah. As I was reading them the story today I got to the part where Jonah gets swallowed by the fish. I noticed a word I had never seen before. It says that God "provided" the fish for Jonah. I had never thought about that before. I don't know if Jonah would have been able to swim back to shore or if he would have died in that water, but I don't think he wanted to be swallowed by a fish either. All day long I have been thinking of things in my life that God has "provided" for me but they are not what I would have chosen. I often see them as inconveniences or complications instead of blessings. God clearly provided that fish to wake Jonah up and make him follow His leading. To turn Jonah away from his own sinful heart and agenda and lead him to His plan. I definitely think God has provided some "fish" for me this year to wake me up and take a look at whose desires I am following!

what goes around...better not come to me!

So the sick bug has hit GES...HARD! Yesterday we had 5 teachers out sick and about 3 more that probably should have been. Two of those teachers live with me! I am really hoping that I do not get sick.

On top of the sickness that is going around is an air of restlessness and frustration. I feel like I am part of the one to blame for this. It is only natural that we all discuss our plans for next year. Who is coming back, who isn't, and who is on the fence. We speculate about people's decisions all year long! I have really been struggling with what my own decision will be and I have confided in a few people what my hesitations are and what I am feeling. I feel like I created a monster because now those two people, who were so sure before, are now frustrated at what are my concerns for next year. I know that it is only September, but we are almost half-way done with our school year. For people in America they think, you have so much time! And I do have a lot of time! But while their school year is just starting mine is almost halfway done. If I leave now or if I stay will greatly change how I live these last few months....I think.

There is still so much I want to do and see here in Thailand. But when it comes down to it, my purpose in being here does not change if I stay next year or if I leave. Here in Thailand, in the States, or somewhere else in the world I only want my life to point back to God, to return to Him His Glory.

Please be in prayer for the hearts and attitudes of the staff. Also be in prayer that regardless of the decision I make or when I make it that I would still be focused on each day here. On living in a manner worthy of His calling. And you can pray that I don't get sick! :)

the effects of kindness

Parent Teacher Conferences took place the last 2 days. 18 conferences later I am done! I did not particularly enjoy conferences last year. In a lot of ways I had to prove myself as a new teacher. This year though because I have already have a relationship with the majority of my parents just from going out to dinner with them, going to birthday parties, or just talking with them for a few minutes after school, they already know me and I think they know that I genuinely love their students and want them to succeed. It was so much fun just to sit and laugh with them about their student's behavior and to encourage them about improvements they had made even in these 2 short months.

One parent (let's not beat around the bush...she is my favorite parent to talk to) told me over and over again how much she appreciates me and loves me. She just kept saying, "you are so kind!" over and over and over. After she left the next parent came in and said how much her son loved me because of all the kindness I have shown him. For about 2 minutes I was walking pretty tall and I felt pretty good until I remembered that the only reason I am kind is because of the kindness God has shown to me. Just that morning I had been praying over my conferences and praying that God would be glorified in them, that Christ would shine through me. How encouraging to see that my prayer was answered. God was glorified when they recognized His Kindness being poured out onto their children. I am just humbled to think that he chose me to be the vessel to minister to these students and their parents. Be praying for continued relationships and conversations.

This last month this particular worship song has been the cry of my heart for what I want my life to look like. I hope it blesses you as it has me!

truly blessed with a miracle!

I don't know how to describe what I experienced this weekend! On Saturday I went to get a Lasik eye operation. It was a long day. I had a pre-op appointment from 10:00-1:30 and then I came back for my actual surgical appointment at 4:30. By 5:15 I was out of the operating room and I could see! :) I began to cry with joy because I can see! God blessed me with a miracle this weekend! I no longer need contacts or glasses. I came back from the center at around 6:00 that evening. I took 2 Valium, went to bed and woke up the next morning and went back to the center. When I went back, they took off my eye shields and I was just amazed by what I could see. They tested my eyes and I can see 20/20! I feel so blessed to have this opportunity. I now know the joy the blind felt when Christ healed them.
  I cannot shower for a week (I have to go get my hair washed.), I can't sweat, I can't rub my eyes, and I have eye drops I have to put in 4 times a day. Because I am not allowed to wash my hair, I decided to go to the salon and get my haircut. So now I have new eyes, a new haircut, and I am ready for a new week with my students. I have observations with my administrators and parent teacher conferences coming up. It will be a stressful two weeks but every time I look around now, I am reminded of God's goodness, faithfulness, provision, and His working in miracles big and small in my life.
"And my God will supply all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus!" Phil. 4:19

On my own again

So my two weeks with my family has come and gone. They are back and settling into life in Pennsylvania again and I am getting back into my routine of long tutoring days, going to the gym, and paying for my own dinner! :) To say I was nervous about their trip would be an understatement. I was worried about my roommates being upset about my family "invading" our house. I was worried about my parents (student's parents) being upset that I canceled tutoring for 2 weeks. I was worried my mom and Adam were going to hate it, they were going to get stranded somewhere, they would get sick from the food, they couldn't handle the heat, etc, etc, etc. How fitting that I should be listening to a sermon right before they came about the sin of worry and its effects on our lives.

Their visit was better than I ever expected. It started out a little rocky. My mom was pretty sick in the beginning from the plane ride and I think nerves. I was super grumpy because I was working so hard to get everything done and ready for them to come that I was barely sleeping and running myself ragid. I think Adam and my dad were a little worried in the beginning about how everything was going to play out. I think I didn't get out of my "grumpy funk" until we went to Krabi.

That first day all I did was sleep. I slept in the van ride from the airport to the hotel and I slept in the chair next to the pool. I was so exhausted. That night I was laying in bed and God brought the story of Mary and Martha to my mind. I have never liked that story. My middle name is Martha and it always bothered me that I was named after the one who did not take the time to spend time with Christ. She was the one who Christ gently rebukes and who Christ has to remind that sometimes it is better to sit in the quiet with him than to be working and doing. I think it is fitting that I was named after her though because I can see this trait in my life. I am a do-er. I work and work and work to get things done, I do things for others to help them out, but it is not often that I simply sit and be still with the Lord. I know that there needs to be a balance and I need to work to find it. I had been working and working and working to make sure that my parents and brother were having a good time that I never stopped to spend good, quality time with them. I started instead to focus on enjoying the time I had with them instead of working to make sure they were having a good time.

Krabi was super beautiful! We went snorkeling and we went kayaking through mangrove tree forest. I think that this was my favorite thing I have done in my entire life! The beauty cannot be justified in pictures. As I was rowing though it made me so sad to think that this beauty is the fingerprints of God. These Thai tour guides got to see the beauty of God displayed before them in a powerful way everyday and yet they did not see Him. They saw rocks, trees, monkeys, but they did not see a Creator God. It breaks my heart to think that this is true of my students also. Thailand is a beautiful place and I was able to fall in love with it again when I saw my mom and adam experience it for the first time. But this beautiful place is so dark sometimes.

"For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse." Romans 1:20

Overnight Camp

Phew! What a long two days! Overnight Camp has come and gone. This year our theme was the Olympics. I really felt like we were there! The kids LOVED it! It was a long day. It started at 5 am on Friday morning and I didn't get to bed until 11. Then it was up at 6 on Saturday and the students FINALLY went home at 12 that afternoon. I came back, passed out in my bed, woke up got a massage and nice American dinner and then I graded papers. Thinking back over all the work and prep and sweat that went into these 36 hours it seems silly. Why waste so much time and effort to make something that only lasts for so long? All the work was justified though in seeing the joy on the students faces, hearing their laughter, and being with them in this relaxed environment. A missions team from a University in America has been here in Thailand for 2 weeks, staying at our school and ministering to schools in the area. They helped us out at the camp and I was SO disappointed in their attitudes. They complained about their sleeping arrangements, the food, the students, the work they were doing, they were bored, they were hot, they had to fly a long time to get here, and the list goes on and on. I was getting very frustrated. This is my home and I am proud of it. To hear it talked about in such a way upset me. Then I started to think though that it is all about your perspective and where your passion is. To them, Thailand really is a 2-week stint. They have no plans of coming back and no real desire to. They are fine to experience it and go back to their lives in the States. To me this has become my life, my ministry. I even dream about school and my students. So vividly in fact that when I wake up I don't know if it really happened or if I just dreamed it. Because my heart is here, I am able to look past the heat, the bugs, some of the strange food, etc. I have also been trying to be intentional about waking up, and being thankful for having one more day. One more day with these students, one more day in Thailand, one more day to be a part of something bigger than me. It has made all the difference in my attitude this year. By looking at each day as a blessing, it makes my hardest days seem profitable instead of arduous. It was great to see the contrast between who I was a little over a year ago and who I hope to become in the future. For that, I am grateful for the time I spent with the missions team this weekend.

Another exciting piece has been my students. The more I get to know them the more I see how tender their hearts are towards the things of God. They LOVE to read the Bible, they sing to God when they are scared, they ask for prayer on a regular basis for one of their classmate who has hand/foot/mouth (which is spreading around Thailand like wildfire!). God is seeking them and they are allowing Him to work in their hearts. At the beginning of the year I thought I was going to really struggle. This is SUCH a sensitive class! I do not do good with sensitive/needy children. I don't have a strong memory of what I was like as a child but from what my mom has told me I was extremely sensitive. I must have used it all up as a child because while I am sensitive about certain issues, for the most part I would not classify myself in that manner. Regardless, I have little patience for sensitive, needy, easy to cry students. This class is sensitive to the MAX! Everyday someone is crying, someone is upset---it is exhausting! I think it is a blessing though. I think their sensitive nature is what fuels their interest in God. Their sensitive hearts are receptive to the Holy Spirit's prompting. Just continue to pray for how God is working in their lives. I can't wait to see how his spirit will move this year in Thailand, in GES, and in grade 3. Enjoy these pictures from the weekend! :)  

Also my mom dad and Adam come in 4 days! I can't believe how soon they will get here! I hope they enjoy their time here and I will be sure to post pictures of our time together!

a little evangelist

My heart is so full! This week on Thursday we had open house. One of my girls, Taya, is a believer. Her dad came to talk to me at open house and he asked me if any of the other students knew the Lord. I said no, that I am pretty positive that it is only Taya. He then proceeded to tell me that she was really burdened for her friends. She started praying with them at break and reading them Scripture. They are very interested in having the relationship with Christ that Taya has. Praise the Lord! This little girl is moving mountains in my student's hearts! I am just glad that I can encourage her and pray for the little ministry that she has started! Please join me in prayer for her and the effect she has in her friends. If you knew this little girl, you would be so blessed! She is so precious and she loves the Lord SO much! Her face comes alive when she talks about God!
This Friday night and all day today (saturday afternoon) I spent the day at parties with my parents. How nice to be in the culture. To be hanging out with Thai people. They are so precious and so fun. My heart is overflowing with love for my students, for their parents, for this precious country that God holds so close to his heart! I can feel Him here so strongly right now. His Spirit is moving!
"Call to me and I will answer you, and show you great and might things which you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3 :)

happy exhausted

It is so easy to become consumed by the negative events and hard things that arise in our lives. I was struck with the fact that so often I am more willing to turn to the negative because it is "easier" to be negative than it is to change my point of view. I began tutoring this week. That means I have to wake up a half hour earlier because I tutor before school and I am tutoring for 2 hours after school. I worked a 12 hour workday yesterday. I was exhausted and needed to blow off some steam, so I went to the gym to just escape from school, to escape from work. If I had stayed at school, I would have ended up doing more work, so I grabbed a bus and made my way to the gym. As I was riding the bus, I thought about my long day. I thought about how I had 36 or so more weeks of these long days. It would have been so easy for me to get frustrated and negative about this work and long days. Instead, I changed my point of view and started thinking about the relationships I could build with the students if I tutored them after school, the extra money I would be making to pay for my eye surgery I am getting this year, and the push to be diligent in getting my work done during the day. There is much to be positive about. I truly have a love for these students, this school, and this administration that I did not have last year. Regardless of the extra work, the long hours, and the tired days I LOVE my job, I LOVE my students, and I LOVE being in Thailand. I have a joy that goes beyond my circumstances. I'm telling you this to help hold me accountable. If I complain in the future, please bring my attention back to this blog, to this mindset that I had. I can already foresee that in the future I will be needing a reminder.

a heart like Ephesus

I apologize in advance for the sporadic nature of this blog. There is so much going on right now that I have a lot to share!

First, I am struck by how incredibly God provides insight in the smallest areas of our lives. My roommate made me a BEAUTIFUL cake for my birthday! The only problem was that I also got 6 bags of chocolate/candy treats from America, lemon bars, brownies, and ice cream cake for my birthday. Needless to say, our house is swimming in sugar goodness right now. I am trying to exhibit self-control, so I thought that I would share with some of the other staff. I gave my ice cream cake to the girls who live 2 doors down, froze most of the chocolate I got as a gift so I could eat it over a longer period of time, gave away my brownies to staff members, and decided to cut up my cake to dish out to various houses. A young mother here on campus had helped my roommate come up with decorating ideas, and had loaned her some supplies so we decided to give her a big piece to share with her family. My really good friend has her mom staying here so we cut up a large piece for her, her mom, and her roommate, but then we still had one considerable chunk left that had no designated home. I decided to wrap it up and I had 2 different ideas on who to give it to and I just thought when I started walking in that direction I would make up my mind. I walked out of my door and who is standing in the cafeteria but my thai teacher. The very one that I have been praying and thinking about how to show her I care and appreciate her. It was so perfect! I gave her the chunk of cake and she was so touched and appreciative. I know that it seems so small, but these small acts of love speak volumes in our relationships with the thai staff. God knew that that small piece of cake would just bring us that much closer. I am so glad I was not selfish and decide to keep that cake for myself!

On a secondary note, I was also really convicted today in church. There was a video series that they started today because they did not have anyone available to preach. I was not really that excited about it and I was started thinking of other things like all the work I needed to do when I got back home. As I slowly started tuning in, I realized he was speaking to me! The series is on the seven churches in Revelations. It focuses on one church in every message so this week it was on the church in Ephesus. I realize in many ways my heart matches the heart of this church. He was saying on paper it looks like they have it all together. They have sound doctrine, the give generously in church, they know the Bible/Sunday School answers, but they are dealing with the sin of a lack of love. He continued to talk about how when we get easily annoyed, frustrated, angry, etc. with people, we are sinning in responding with those emotions instead of responding in love. I was so convicted in thinking about my relationships with people here at the school. I find it very easy to love my students and to love the thai teachers, my thai friends at the gym, even my friends at the restaurants I eat at. It's because they don't know God. I have so much more patience and love for them. However, the people I work with I struggle with many. I am easily frustrated, I get annoyed with them over little things, I have no patience. I think this is because I don't feel like I need to love them in the same way. I don't feel like I need to extend God's love to them because they already have it. They are aware of the love of God in a way that my non-believer friends are not. I suffer from a sin of with holding love. I know that Paul writes about how his love abounds for the believers in Philippi with knowledge and depth of insight. I was struck that the people who I have the hardest time loving are the ones that I know the least. The ones that I don't have the patience to get to know or even the desire to get to know. I know that I do not have to be best friends with everyone, but in Thailand where the body of Christ is so spread-out and few and far between, I am not doing much to unify it. I would appreciate prayers to deepen my love for my brothers and sisters in Christ. So often I pray to see the Thai people through God's eyes but I have never prayed to see fellow believers through His eyes. Last year I learned how to love transcending culture, and I think this year God is trying to teach me how to love within it. 

and so it begins...

One week (or rather two short days) of school down, and a full week starts up tomorrow! My class is SO different from last year. They seem so little and they have SO much energy! I have had to be pretty strict last week and that is true even more so tomorrow and all this week. I feel like this first month is going to be very important to establish clear expectations and behavior in the classroom. I know they have been a problem for teachers in the past and I am trying to keep that at bay this year! They are so sweet though and I am really excited for all this year holds.

As some of you know I have really been struggling knowing what to do about a church and the youth group I was helping out with last year. After a lot of talking to others and really praying about the decision, I decided to not help out anymore. I feel at peace with the decision. I found I was pouring myself out SO much and I was never really being filled. You can only give so much for so long until you are dry. Last year I ended the school year bone dry, weary, and extremely frustrated. That was not fair to my students, who are my first and most important ministry.

New teachers this year are really struggling to adjust to the culture. They don't like the food, the heat, the "Thai" way our school is run, or the expectations of the Thai parents. Don't get me wrong, each one of these things (expect the food of course!) has been a source of struggle for me at some point in my time here. Just pray that they would adjust and that God would make them culturally sensitive and aware. Once you start to have a heart for these people, it is so much easier to avoid feelings of frustration over little things.

On a happy note, I have made a really strong connection with my thai teacher, Kru Pon. On Friday, we sat after school for an hour and talked. She told me in her broken English mixed with my broken Thai the story of how she and her husband fell in love. Thai people don't let you in very easily, you have to earn their trust for a long, personal story like that. I praise God that we are bonding! I just hope that we can continue to deepen our relationship. She is such a special woman, and she has such a special heart. God is big enough to reach her where she is, and I pray I am here to witness it.

Sorry I know that this post is sporadic but so much has happened in the two weeks or so that I have been back. God has really put this verse on my heart for this year and I would like to share it with you. "My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever!" Psalm 73:26

finished product!

Here is that video that would not load yesterday. I have more pictures for all of you though because my room is pretty much DONE! YAY! And I still have tomorrow to do last minute details! AHHHH!!! I love not being stressed! So here is my lovely room! :) I am very proud of it!

I'm back!

So I have been back for almost a week! It was really hard for me to adjust back to the time difference. I probably slept a total of 4 hours the first 3 days! It was rough but the last few nights I have gone to bed at 9:00 and gotten up at 6:30 the next morning so I think I am making up for lost hours! :) I've been working hard on getting my classroom ready! I forgot to take a complete before picture so I took pictures this morning before I started working and then I just took a video of my progress so you could see what I accomplished today. If you can't guess, my theme is owls! :)

My video won't load! :( Maybe I can try again tomorrow!

Year One Complete!

So I just said goodbye to my first class! It's sad to see them go and I will miss not having them next year. I wish we could just take a 2-month break and then pick up right where we started off again. BUT next year is new and will be exciting with a lot of challenges. I come home in 6 days so this will probably be the last blog you get from me until next June. I just wanted to stop and say thank you for all of your prayers and all of your support! It truly did mean a lot to me! I am going to use this break to really rest in the Lord and rejunivante myself for next year. While I loved this year it was also draining and taxing. I don't think I would have traded it for anything though. Pray for these little ones when they come to your mind. I worry that as they continue to grow older the things of God will be less and less meaningful to them and their attitude may become bored and unattentive. I know that God has a way of working beyond all these things though and I pray that He would continue to place people in their lives who will water the seeds that were planted here this year. Some students will not be returning in June but they will be carrying these truths with them wherever they may go  next year. I feel blessed that God would use me in these place and with these children. Today for a last activity we did class superlatives. One of the categories was "someone who is a true friend." A number of my students wrote God or Jesus. This made my heart smile and I just hope that this really takes root in their heart and it would be something that they can draw and lean on throughout their whole life. I think exciting things are going to continue taking place in these students lives and I feel blessed to be able to glimpse small pieces of it! Thank you for caring and praying for these precious children that you have never met. ;)

Thank you! :)

So after much prayer and a wonderful relaxing weekend on an island away from everything having to do with school, I feel much refreshed and rested. Thank you so much for your prayers---they have been felt in Thailand! Here is a little video to say thank you! In chapel we sing "This is the day" in Thai and I recorded my students doing it afterwards. The words in English (in case you are unfamiliar with the song) says, "This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it! This is the day, this is the day that the Lord has made!" So simple but such a wonderful truth! :)

a little dose of honesty...

I haven't been completely honest in this blog these last few weeks. I have tried to remain positive and upbeat, and only share good things so maybe it would change my heart a little bit. BUT if I am being completely honest, I was in a dark place. I was moody, grumpy, selfish, needy, and a little depressed! (okay, maybe more than a little!) I was in this awful funk and I was so miserable with everything! I was tired of my students, I had lost all my joy, I was angry with people at home, things going on here at school---every time I turned around there was something else that had gone wrong or had made me angry or had hurt my feeling or made me frustrated. On top of that, we have been subbing for our Thai teachers like crazy so our hours are crazy and with no planning periods and grades due soon, it was just not a good combination. I was blaming it on lack of sleep and being overworked but that was not the case. I was being attacked! I was being robbed of my joy in my purpose here! God kept bringing Psalm 51:12 to my attention though, "Restore to me the JOY of my salvation!" I had lost my joy in the very thing that had brought me to Thailand in the first place! That verse truly became my prayer. I even wrote it out and taped it to my desk. My students were curious as to why it was there so I shared with them that they learn verses, and I memorize verses too because it is important that we treasure God's Word in our hearts. They now all want to memorize this verse as well as their weekly verse! :) God is faithful! This past Thursday, which had the potential to be the hardest and most taxing day I've had yet, turned out to be a wonderful blessing! God is upholding me with his willing Spirit! :) I would just ask for prayers that the God of hope would fill me with his joy and peace!

just to share...

Here is a song my friend shared with me and I thought I would pass along the favor. It's by Shane and Shane.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eun34_2EmaQ

Say a little prayer!

In chapel at the start of the semester, we were working on how to grow spiritually. The things we really emphasized were reading our Bibles and praying everyday (We even have a little song we sang EVERY week to go along with that theme!). I was really convicted in my planning and teaching of chapel. I had let school overtake my daily conversations with God. Instead of waking up and talking to Him and reading from His Word, I would be making copies, or answering emails, or getting materials and supplies together before school. God really got a hold of me and showed me that I wasn't living what I was teaching to these kids. If I am a Christian and I don't make spending time with God a priority, how can I expect my little Buddhist students to do that very practice? SO I decided to wake up a half hour earlier everyday and go to my classroom and bathe my day, my students, my family, my friends, and myself in prayer everyday before school. I have been pretty faithful and consistent in doing so and I have seen God answer so many prayers and requests in that little half hour. For example, this might seem so small but it was so HUGE to me! We are making volcanoes in Grade three right now. And today was paper mache' day! I was SO stressed about how it was going to go. My students are not the neatest and we had a little incident with paint first semester that has made me a little gun-shy! I have been so worried about letting my students do this project. I decided instead of worrying though I would let God have His way in it. Can I just tell you, my students were phenomenal! I thought they got taken over by some strange clean creatures or something! They even asked if they could help other groups clean up! It was WONDERFUL! God is faithful to answer even in the small matters. I never would have thought to ask him to help our paper mache craft go smoothly last year, or even last semester, but I am learning that God's love reaches so deep and vast that he cares about even these little bumps and hiccups that cause us to stress and worry.

I have been talking to many family and friends right now who are scared, nervous, or unsure about the future or even the present situations. Where there is a God, there is a way! Give your worry a break and give it to Him to carry! :)

little heart to hearts!

So in the spirit of Valentines Day I thought I would share some heart to hearts that I have had with my students lately. To be honest I haven't really had chances to skype with anyone back home in a while and I don't always like to talk to the teachers here about school because we live and breathe it all day. So I have been treasuring these things up in my heart for a while and I feel the need to write them down and share them to encourage myself in a way and to help others know what is going on so they can remind, look how God is working! To share a little of MY heart first I am starting to get discouraged and my focus is getting divided. I just experienced a really hard issue with a friend at home that I don't think I handled correctly and she didn't take the time to understand my feelings either. To top that off I think I am running myself ragged, I'm so tired and there is just no break in sight and my students and I are getting in that very comfortable place where it is easy but I also get very very very easily annoyed with them. I like change and I am looking forward to next year. God has to keep reminding me to keep my focus in the present...one day at a time. Anyways, all this to say that even in all this attack my heart has been experiencing, God has allowed me to have truly precious times with my students that I just want to share.
***Fuji*** This student makes me smile. He is SO smart and So intelligent. The way he thinks and acts, he is every teacher's dream. I went through a stage where I struggled with him as my teacher's pet but I truly love him so much and his heart is so big. The other day in tutoring all of a sudden he began to cry because he doesn't have any friends. The other boys in the class like football (soccer for you Americans! :)) and Yugi cards and legos and Fuji likes to read. He doesn't fit in because they don't enjoy the same things. He just said he was so sad that no one wanted to be his friend. I told him about how I went through a similar thing in school and he asked me what helped me and at that time in my life was when Jesus became real and became my best friend and it was so neat to see how a time of such loneliness for me as a child could be used to minister to a little hurting boy on the other side of the world years later. He told me that he was going to start praying to Jesus whenever he felt alone to see if it made him feel better.
***Winnie***If I had to have a favorite it would be Winnie. This girl is so so precious to me. I almost want to hold her back just so I can have her again. She is so shy and quiet but when it is just the two of us in the room its unbelievable how she transforms. This week I spoke in chapel about how we have to clean up our hearts. If we put garbage into our hearts, that is what comes out of them. After school, Winnie came into my room and said that sometimes she says bad words because she knows she puts that garbage into her heart with the movies and music she listens to. She said that she wanted to try to clean up her heart so bad words wouldn't come out. Its a start! She is listening in chapel and trying to apply the things to her life!
***Folk*** Oh this child! He has been the concern from the start! He is the boy who brought in all those weapons to school, he is the child who I was contemplating over holding back or not, he is the lowest in everything and gives the least effort, AND has the scary guardian to boot! But I don't know what happened---these past 2 weeks I LOVE him. He has started to finally feel comfortable around me and he is so funny and he tries to talk to me. Yes our conversations are short and it is mostly me trying to speak Thai to him and him trying to speak English back but I LOVE him! This week we have been learning a verse that talks about how good words need to come out of our mouths. He has an enemy in the class and I always have to make sure I seat them on opposite sides of the room, never put them in partners or even groups that are next to each other on the mats. We spent the one morning brainstorming nice things he could say to this "friend" in our class and he said one of them today! I know that that does not seem like a big step but it was just a milestone for Folk!
   Even in writing this blog post I feel blessed to work with these students. I am looking forward to next year and all the personality that class with bring, but this class is a blessing and I feel grateful for the opportunity to work with and teach them. Just if you think about pray that I would focus more on Thailand and my work here and not get distracted by things at home. The devil dividing my focus now is one of the best tools that he has against me!

decisions decisions...

Well, being a teacher is wonderful and grand but it also has some tough decisions that come along with the job! I have a student who has been on my radar all year long. He is lacking in motivation, a low level English speaker, and lacking in focus. His grades are rock bottom and he tries on nothing and turns in nothing. I had a parent teacher conference with his mom and his guardian where I had to tell them that he might be retained next year. It was a MESSY conference with much yelling in Thai (not at me, don't worry, at each other!) Since then, my student has begun to apply himself and show that he is capable of doing the work, its a little too late though because we have 2 months left of school. I am frustrated because I have been trying to get a meeting set up with them since last semester and they kept refusing. We could have solved the problem back in September instead of trying to patch things up now. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't think it is in his best interest to be held back but I also cannot pass him onto grade 4 with the work or lack there of that he has done so far. Please pray for wisdom and guidance as I seek to find the best solution to this problem. I have a couple of solutions to present to the administration this week and we will see what develops from there. Besides that also pray for my little heart. Today I am feeling homesick. I always get like this when I feel like being home again is so close and so far! AND I am feeling overworked and not fully rested so I think that is playing on my emotional state as well. I know that this wave of homesickness will probably be past before most of you even read this but I just wanted to share it now. I have to say though some amazing things have been happening in my heart lately! God has shown me a lot of hard things about myself this year and its been challenging finally truly confronting the person that I am and try to hide from people--even from myself at times. God has shown me lately that even through all the muck that I see in me He loves me more than I know and more than I deserve! He truly is all I need! I am so thankful that even though there were some rough parts that I wouldn't want to have to go back to, HE sustained me through it and I am glad I am on the other side! :) All the time God is good!

Is Grace Enough?

This section from Max Lucado's book, Grace for the Moment was read in staff meeting on Tuesday and it has stuck with me all week long. There are things that I desire for my life and things that I wish I had. But in the end, grace is truly all I require. This is what Max Lucado says:

I have learned to be satisfied
with the things I have and with
everything that happens.
Philippians 4:11

"What if God’s only gift to you were his grace to save you? Would you be content? You beg him to save the life of your child. You plead with him to keep your business afloat. You implore him to remove the cancer from your body. What if his answer is, “My grace is enough.” Would you be content?

From heaven’s perspective, grace is enough. If God did nothing more than save us from hell, could anyone complain?

Having been given eternal life, dare we grumble at an aching body? Having been given heavenly riches, dare we moan about what we don’t have?"

I want to say that I believe that God's Grace is always enough. I know that it is the right thing to say and I know that it makes utter and complete sense. Sometimes though I get so bogged down in the world's expectations of what my life needs to look like that I find it lacking. How dare I moan about what I don't have when what I have been given is more than I ever deserve!

It's all about rice

On Friday, I was doing a science experiment with my students. They were broken up into 6 groups and each group had a "mystery" substance. Using their 5 senses they had to identify the contents of what was in the cup. Some groups definitely had easier substances to identify than others. The group that I thought clearly had the easiest substance to identify was the group that had the rice as their mystery substance. At the end of the experiment, I told each group to write down their guess as to what was in their cup and then to raise their hands so I knew they were done. All the groups had their hands raised EXCEPT the group with the rice. I was so confused as to why they could not figure out that it was rice---they see it 3 times a day at least! I went over to their group to see what the hold up was. As I listened to their discussion I heard them disagreeing. Their debacle was over whether it was plain rice or sticky rice---they were all listing out their various reasons for each and it just made me smile. I am definitely a teacher in Asia!

SuRPriSe!!! :)

As many of you know, I was able to go home this Christmas and surprise my family! It was a very full 12 days but I really enjoyed it. I got to meet my little nephew Isaac, see almost all of my immediate and extended family, see my brother play basketball for probably the last time ever (I probably won't be going home next year, his senior year), be a part of a surprise party for my mom, and eat Panera and Chick-fil-a! :) It was a good time at home. It was also an interesting time at home---it was a lot different than I expected, and my feelings about being home were different than I expected them to be. Not bad---just different! There are just some things that I have to work through and pray about. I have gotten the strong sense lately that Thailand is not my home---I love it here and I love the people and experiences I have had, but I know that I am not suppose to be here forever. I am signing my letter of intent for next year, but beyond that I do not know. I guess I have a whole other year and more experiences to be had before I can come to any conclusions about the future. I hope you all had a great holiday. 2012 is here! I rang in the new year on an airplane watching fireworks out the window. It was really beautiful! Now it is time to get back into the swing of school. Time to take down all the winter and Christmas decorations and get ready for the last 3 months of school. We have a lot of things to learn in that short period of time. Good thing all our vacations days got taken away because of the flood! Plenty of time to focus! :)