With Every New Beginning is Another Beginning's End...

So in thinking about what I am going to miss about Thailand one of the first things that immediately enters my mind is the food! I am going to miss panaeng, moo ping, salapao, som tom, sticky rice, coconut ice cream, sweet basil chips, and the list goes on and on! I am also going to miss my routine. Going to the gym, massages, movies, riding the bus, being with my friends, my students, and the Thai teachers. One thing I have really been struggling with lately is the purposelessness of my life right now. I told my mom last night that no one would even care if I just never got out of bed for a whole day! I was getting bogged down in this idea that my life has somehow been put on hold because I am unemployed and moving back in with my parents. It hit me today though that I am looking at this all wrong. My life in Thailand is over, that is true. I fly out tonight and once I leave there is no immediate foreseeable future date when I will return. My bedroom now belongs to a girl named Whitney and after today this is no longer my house. But just because I am moving back to Pennsylvania does not mean my life is on hold. I have always said that I want the purpose of my life to be one that brings God glory. I think I have been focused on how my job brings Him glory but not necessarily how I am bringing Him glory. I don't have to be living on the other side of the world or even working with people not from my same background. In every situation every place I am in I have the choice to let me life reflect His Glory. So as I finish my final packing and do one last load of laundry I am encouraged that with the ending of my time here something new is beginning. My life will look different and it will take adjustment but God is constant. The same God I served here I serve in the good ole US of A! Many people are asking me what is next and to be honest I have no idea! There is fear and uncertainty in that answer but there is also freedom. Freedom to allow the Lord to lead me in whatever ways He desires. Freedom to be flexible and freedom to be a vessel used for His purposes. Thank you for coming alongside me during these last two years but this is not the end....its just a new beginning! :)

3 1/2 days

I have not been very good at keeping this updated lately. Time is getting away from me and we are trying to fit in our bucket list before our time here comes to a close. We have 3 1/2 days left in our school year. I can't believe that my time here is almost done. I told my students on Tuesday that I was not coming back next year so they have been extra clingy lately, never wanting to leave my classroom, eating lunch with me, and of course lots of hugs! I am soaking it all in! I want to treasure every last minute with these precious ones! In some ways I feel like this class was super challenging. They have strong personalities and demand a lot of energy, but they are so rewarding and they have blessed my spirit this year! I would not trade being their teacher for anything in the world! I will miss them more than I think I can imagine at this point! Its weird thinking that these students who I have spent almost everyday with for the past 10 months will never be a part of my life again. I have spent more time with them in this year than anyone else. We have so much fun together! They always have me laughing and smiling with their humor and sometimes even their serious questions! :)

I am definitely starting to feel how hard it is going to be to say goodbye. Last night I had to say my first goodbye. My roommate's sister died on Wednesday morning and she flew home last night to go home for the funeral. Her sister had been sick for a while but it was still a shock because we thought she was on the mend. It was an emotional farewell at the airport. I do not do well with last things and it broke my heart to see her hurting so much! After living with her for two years, I said goodbye to one of my best friends! Its hard to think that our relationship will never look or be the same but I know that this is not one relationship that I am going to let distance ruin and rip apart!

Its making everything final though so I want to live each day to the fullest. Make each day count. I am trying to make each morning's devotion time be chock-full of God's Truth. I want our last Scripture memory verse to be something the Lord can be using to work in their hearts over the two month break, I want to be equipping them the best I can for these two months without school. The way I have seen Satan attack their hearts as seeds are planted is scary but I know God is bigger. And I am trusting that He is already working in them. Please be in prayer for the grade 4 teacher for next year. That is the only position left that they have not filled. In my perfect world they would be a strong, passionate, God-loving teacher. Someone who will love the Lord and pour that love out on them. Someone who will love and appreciate each character in this class. Someone with patience and compassion. God already knows who it is and I pray that whoever that person is, God is preparing them even now for next year.

Just wanted to share this picture of my class when we went to the Logos Hope Ship for a field trip. It is a huge ship that has workers from all over the world. They travel to all different ports and stay there for a month at a time. They have a huge Christian bookstore and a children's show to watch and other programs you can be a part of as well. They LOVED it! And it was great because parents came along and bought all sorts of Christian books for their students to read over the summer. They are in English but it kills two birds with one stone...practicing English and learning God's Truth all in the same go! :)

More thoughts to come later I am sure...

where did February go?

I can't believe this is the last full week of February! Weekends are filling up trying to cross everything off our bucket list, and it doesn't help that we keep adding to that list as well! :)

Exciting teacher news though we performed reading tests at the beginning of the year and now with only a month left of school, we are giving them again to see how far they have progressed. Now that they are reading at a higher reading level the books are longer and it takes FOREVER to test them. With 21 students,   it is going to take a long time to test them all. I only was able to test 4 in a 2 hour time period and that has to be fit in around teaching time. It is a juggling act for sure!

But anyways as I was testing them I was amazed to see their progress! One student who came in knowing no English and reading and comprehending at a level B is now reading and comprehending at a level M. I am so amazed and proud of her! It is so encouraging to be able to see what they can do and to think that I played a small part in that! I do enjoy teaching! Today was a rewarding day! :)

two months....

Well it is hard to believe it but next week will be February! We have less than 2 months left of school! Every time I think about leaving my students, I get a little weepy, but I know that they will still be continuing on at the school and being taught God's Word! I care about them a lot but they wouldn't be mine next year anyways and I keep reminding myself of that. I have prepared them to move on and I believe that they are equipped and ready for grade 4 (all with the exception of maybe 1 or 2).

This week, I have been reading about the story about Joseph and some things really struck me about his story. We have it all written down for us in a few concise chapters but this was over his whole life. God made promises to him in the form of dreams, but then he was abandoned by his brothers, thrown in jail, and probably felt forgotten about. Yet he still held onto God's promises and he saw them accomplished. It might not have been in his timetable, but God was still faithful. In HIS perfect timing, he brought everything to fruition.

I know the same is true for me. I know that God is faithful to His Promise that He will never leave or forsake me. I know that He will direct my paths if I place my trust and hope in Him! Maybe right now I might feel a little adrift, uncertain about what my life will look like even 3/4 months from now. But in HIS prefect timing he will reveal that to me. I know that even now, He is preparing my future steps!

Just please continue to pray for focus and determination for the end of the year. It has been a lot easier to stay focused and not be restless than I first thought. :) I just want to live in the moment and enjoy every last day! Parent teacher conferences today and tomorrow! :)

new year, new beginnings

Happy 2013 everyone! :) I was able to go to the States for Christmas and spend two weeks with my family in the cold weather! I loved being cold and having lots of snow! I was looking forward to the heat of Thailand again though, only to land and have it be 75 degrees! It was FREEZING! I couldn't believe it! haha.....Only people who have spent time in Thailand would understand how 75 degrees could be cold! :)

I am really glad that I was given the chance to go home for a short time. As I shared in my last blog post, I was so uncertain about my future and what to do. I didn't know what to do or what I was going to decide. I used the time at home to gain clarity and really seek the Lord and what His Will for me might be for next year. I feel like it is the right decision to move back to the States next year. It was an emotional decision to make for sure! Everytime someone would even ask me about my plans for next year I would start to cry! I think my mom was starting to get a little worried about me! I am not usually so emotional.

I was starting to second guess my decision because of how emotional I was getting. I spent sometime in prayer on the plane ride back (I had enough time! :)) and I just asked the  Lord to fill me with His peace. I was worried about what I would feel landing in Bangkok...knowing it was my last time. As soon as I landed though and stepped off the plane, I was filled with such an overwhelming sense of peace! I know that this is what is right for me. God is so faithful! Even yesterday as I handed in my form letting them know I would not be returning, I felt such a strong sense of peace!

I know that it will still be emotional to say goodbye and I know I still might waver occassionally in my decision but I can always be reminded of that peace I experienced in the airport.

I don't know what my future in the States will look like. I don't know what I will do when I get there or what my life will consist of. This week though my verse my students are learning is Matthew 6:33 "Seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." As long as I concern myself with seeking the Lord, being dedicated to spending time with Him in prayer and being a lover of His Word, He will guide and direct my steps. I am resting in His Promise and His Goodness! :) Thank you for all of your prayers and support!

a cloudy future

Only a month ago if you had asked me where I would be living in June, I would have told you without a moment's hesitation that I was moving home to the States. Since the end of August, I had pretty much made my decision to move to America and settle down there at least for a year or two, maybe forever even. Now I am so torn and confused. Half my heart is here in Thailand and half of my heart is in the States. I have no idea what to do. In a lot of ways it is so much scarier to move home to America. Its actually a little terrifying thinking of all I will leave behind and all I will be giving up. In a lot of ways it was a sacrafice to move here. But now it feels like the tables turned and it would be just as big a sacrafice to move home in a lot of ways. This is all I know of life as an adult. This has been my last three years of my life and even before that so much of me was consumed with plans to come here.

Its just as scary to stay here though too. I see so man problems with this school and so much that needs to change and be done differently. I see so much within this ministry that I don't know if I can support. This lifestyle is draining and I see how it leaves people jaded and bitter and lackluster with God. I am just as terrified to leave as I am to stay.

I am trying to just rest in the Lord and wait for Him to reveal His perfect plan in His perfect timing. I am seeking your prayers though as I wait upon Him. I have until January 4th to decide. I know it is not where I live but how I live that makes the difference. I know that God will not have been with me all this time and then just abandon me now when I need His direction the most. I know this Truth but in a lot of ways my fears are clouding the Truth from my heart. My fears are in regrets I might make and in living a purposeless life. I don't want to lose my passion and vision.

There is a song that was made for one of the Narnia movies (I don't remember which one) but I can't listen to it without crying. It fits pretty perfectly what my heart is feeling right now. I'll post it below. Thank you for your prayers! I reall appreciate them!

celebrating fathers!

Father's Day is fast approaching here at GES! It arrives next Tuesday! As a part of our ceremony in our classroom, we have made a father's day video about why our dads are special. The video itself is too big to upload here on my blog, but I have a few clips that make me smile.
This is Vegas: Don't worry if you don't know what he said because I have no idea, the other students have no idea, and even Vegas himself has no idea what he said! He is such a character! I love this kid!

This is Oh. She pretends to be super shy but really she is a little drama queen. She is so quirky and funny! She says she loves her dad because he does not eat her donuts!

And this is Nana. Her video is so precious. I know there is a lot of background noise. She says that her dad is special because he is from Hong Kong but he comes to Thailand just to see her face! :)

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!!!!!

the cost of independence

My thai students are young at heart. Their parents do everything for them! I have had parents ask me to pack their backpacks for them after school and write down their homework for them in their books. For 21 students, this would take FOREVER! I gently explained to each one how important it is for them to learn independence and how to do things on their own. This is after all a highly treasured trait in the States. Parents teach their children from a young age how to be independent and it is something that I have always striven for. I guess being the only girl in a family of boys I felt like I had something to prove by being able to not have to rely on my dad or mom or on anyone. My housemate and I were talking about how different the attitudes of our students here are from children in the States. They just seem so much younger and naive and carefree. I have been considering this push of independence a lot this weekend because of that conversation. So naturally God would use that to teach me a Truth from Him! I love that about Him!

This morning before school, I was listening to a sermon online. He was talking about how in the world independence is a mark of maturity, but from a spiritual standpoint that is not true. It is actually the opposite. When we are dependent on the Lord and fully trusting in Him that is a mark of spiritual maturity. When we throw up or hands and admit that we need Him....we are going through growing pains! Just another example of how our lives are to look so opposite of what the world strives for. I looked back through my prayer journal and I saw so many times when I prayed Lord "I need to do...." "I want to..." Even when I am praying about issues and circumstances in my life I am holding onto them with two hands. I am trying to prove to God that I am independent when what he really wants is for me to let go and place it all in His Hands. Once again, my Buddhist students are modeling for me how to live. I love how God uses them in my life. Sometimes I wonder who ministers to the other more...me to them or them to me! :)

a quick update

Sorry I have neglected the blog lately but thank you to everyone who has been checking it looking for new posts! It is always nice to be reminded of the support I have on the other side of the world. I know that many people back home are without power and low on grocery store items, and I have seen the pictures of the devestation in New York and New Jersey online. It brought back memories of our flood last year. I know how difficult circumstances like this can be! I am so blessed though that God spared Thailand from a flood this year. We just had our October break. Two long blissful weeks off of school! Last year this is when we were in the middle of our flood crisis. Our break was extended but it was stressful and not as restful as this year. Tomorrow we start our second semester-On TIME! Crazy! I am not ready to go back to working. I have become spoiled reading books, lounging around, and making delicious food. I am ready to see my students though. On Monday a parent took me out to eat and last night I saw one of my student's parents at the grocery store. It as so nice to see them and it reminded me of my love for them and how lucky I am to teach them and spend the rest of this year with them!

Tomorrow though means the start of the Christmas program and Christmas music. Some in the states might be moaning but I am excited! I love Christmas and I especially love this time I get to spend with my students deocrating our classroom, singing Christmas songs, and talking about why Jesus came as a baby. It is such a special time here and I am so excited to start it all tomorrow!

Please be in prayer for my student's hearts and for me as well as we prepare for this Christmas season! yay! :)

God's provision

This week in devotions we are learning about the story of Jonah. As I was reading them the story today I got to the part where Jonah gets swallowed by the fish. I noticed a word I had never seen before. It says that God "provided" the fish for Jonah. I had never thought about that before. I don't know if Jonah would have been able to swim back to shore or if he would have died in that water, but I don't think he wanted to be swallowed by a fish either. All day long I have been thinking of things in my life that God has "provided" for me but they are not what I would have chosen. I often see them as inconveniences or complications instead of blessings. God clearly provided that fish to wake Jonah up and make him follow His leading. To turn Jonah away from his own sinful heart and agenda and lead him to His plan. I definitely think God has provided some "fish" for me this year to wake me up and take a look at whose desires I am following!

what goes around...better not come to me!

So the sick bug has hit GES...HARD! Yesterday we had 5 teachers out sick and about 3 more that probably should have been. Two of those teachers live with me! I am really hoping that I do not get sick.

On top of the sickness that is going around is an air of restlessness and frustration. I feel like I am part of the one to blame for this. It is only natural that we all discuss our plans for next year. Who is coming back, who isn't, and who is on the fence. We speculate about people's decisions all year long! I have really been struggling with what my own decision will be and I have confided in a few people what my hesitations are and what I am feeling. I feel like I created a monster because now those two people, who were so sure before, are now frustrated at what are my concerns for next year. I know that it is only September, but we are almost half-way done with our school year. For people in America they think, you have so much time! And I do have a lot of time! But while their school year is just starting mine is almost halfway done. If I leave now or if I stay will greatly change how I live these last few months....I think.

There is still so much I want to do and see here in Thailand. But when it comes down to it, my purpose in being here does not change if I stay next year or if I leave. Here in Thailand, in the States, or somewhere else in the world I only want my life to point back to God, to return to Him His Glory.

Please be in prayer for the hearts and attitudes of the staff. Also be in prayer that regardless of the decision I make or when I make it that I would still be focused on each day here. On living in a manner worthy of His calling. And you can pray that I don't get sick! :)

the effects of kindness

Parent Teacher Conferences took place the last 2 days. 18 conferences later I am done! I did not particularly enjoy conferences last year. In a lot of ways I had to prove myself as a new teacher. This year though because I have already have a relationship with the majority of my parents just from going out to dinner with them, going to birthday parties, or just talking with them for a few minutes after school, they already know me and I think they know that I genuinely love their students and want them to succeed. It was so much fun just to sit and laugh with them about their student's behavior and to encourage them about improvements they had made even in these 2 short months.

One parent (let's not beat around the bush...she is my favorite parent to talk to) told me over and over again how much she appreciates me and loves me. She just kept saying, "you are so kind!" over and over and over. After she left the next parent came in and said how much her son loved me because of all the kindness I have shown him. For about 2 minutes I was walking pretty tall and I felt pretty good until I remembered that the only reason I am kind is because of the kindness God has shown to me. Just that morning I had been praying over my conferences and praying that God would be glorified in them, that Christ would shine through me. How encouraging to see that my prayer was answered. God was glorified when they recognized His Kindness being poured out onto their children. I am just humbled to think that he chose me to be the vessel to minister to these students and their parents. Be praying for continued relationships and conversations.

This last month this particular worship song has been the cry of my heart for what I want my life to look like. I hope it blesses you as it has me!

truly blessed with a miracle!

I don't know how to describe what I experienced this weekend! On Saturday I went to get a Lasik eye operation. It was a long day. I had a pre-op appointment from 10:00-1:30 and then I came back for my actual surgical appointment at 4:30. By 5:15 I was out of the operating room and I could see! :) I began to cry with joy because I can see! God blessed me with a miracle this weekend! I no longer need contacts or glasses. I came back from the center at around 6:00 that evening. I took 2 Valium, went to bed and woke up the next morning and went back to the center. When I went back, they took off my eye shields and I was just amazed by what I could see. They tested my eyes and I can see 20/20! I feel so blessed to have this opportunity. I now know the joy the blind felt when Christ healed them.
  I cannot shower for a week (I have to go get my hair washed.), I can't sweat, I can't rub my eyes, and I have eye drops I have to put in 4 times a day. Because I am not allowed to wash my hair, I decided to go to the salon and get my haircut. So now I have new eyes, a new haircut, and I am ready for a new week with my students. I have observations with my administrators and parent teacher conferences coming up. It will be a stressful two weeks but every time I look around now, I am reminded of God's goodness, faithfulness, provision, and His working in miracles big and small in my life.
"And my God will supply all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus!" Phil. 4:19

On my own again

So my two weeks with my family has come and gone. They are back and settling into life in Pennsylvania again and I am getting back into my routine of long tutoring days, going to the gym, and paying for my own dinner! :) To say I was nervous about their trip would be an understatement. I was worried about my roommates being upset about my family "invading" our house. I was worried about my parents (student's parents) being upset that I canceled tutoring for 2 weeks. I was worried my mom and Adam were going to hate it, they were going to get stranded somewhere, they would get sick from the food, they couldn't handle the heat, etc, etc, etc. How fitting that I should be listening to a sermon right before they came about the sin of worry and its effects on our lives.

Their visit was better than I ever expected. It started out a little rocky. My mom was pretty sick in the beginning from the plane ride and I think nerves. I was super grumpy because I was working so hard to get everything done and ready for them to come that I was barely sleeping and running myself ragid. I think Adam and my dad were a little worried in the beginning about how everything was going to play out. I think I didn't get out of my "grumpy funk" until we went to Krabi.

That first day all I did was sleep. I slept in the van ride from the airport to the hotel and I slept in the chair next to the pool. I was so exhausted. That night I was laying in bed and God brought the story of Mary and Martha to my mind. I have never liked that story. My middle name is Martha and it always bothered me that I was named after the one who did not take the time to spend time with Christ. She was the one who Christ gently rebukes and who Christ has to remind that sometimes it is better to sit in the quiet with him than to be working and doing. I think it is fitting that I was named after her though because I can see this trait in my life. I am a do-er. I work and work and work to get things done, I do things for others to help them out, but it is not often that I simply sit and be still with the Lord. I know that there needs to be a balance and I need to work to find it. I had been working and working and working to make sure that my parents and brother were having a good time that I never stopped to spend good, quality time with them. I started instead to focus on enjoying the time I had with them instead of working to make sure they were having a good time.

Krabi was super beautiful! We went snorkeling and we went kayaking through mangrove tree forest. I think that this was my favorite thing I have done in my entire life! The beauty cannot be justified in pictures. As I was rowing though it made me so sad to think that this beauty is the fingerprints of God. These Thai tour guides got to see the beauty of God displayed before them in a powerful way everyday and yet they did not see Him. They saw rocks, trees, monkeys, but they did not see a Creator God. It breaks my heart to think that this is true of my students also. Thailand is a beautiful place and I was able to fall in love with it again when I saw my mom and adam experience it for the first time. But this beautiful place is so dark sometimes.

"For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse." Romans 1:20

Overnight Camp

Phew! What a long two days! Overnight Camp has come and gone. This year our theme was the Olympics. I really felt like we were there! The kids LOVED it! It was a long day. It started at 5 am on Friday morning and I didn't get to bed until 11. Then it was up at 6 on Saturday and the students FINALLY went home at 12 that afternoon. I came back, passed out in my bed, woke up got a massage and nice American dinner and then I graded papers. Thinking back over all the work and prep and sweat that went into these 36 hours it seems silly. Why waste so much time and effort to make something that only lasts for so long? All the work was justified though in seeing the joy on the students faces, hearing their laughter, and being with them in this relaxed environment. A missions team from a University in America has been here in Thailand for 2 weeks, staying at our school and ministering to schools in the area. They helped us out at the camp and I was SO disappointed in their attitudes. They complained about their sleeping arrangements, the food, the students, the work they were doing, they were bored, they were hot, they had to fly a long time to get here, and the list goes on and on. I was getting very frustrated. This is my home and I am proud of it. To hear it talked about in such a way upset me. Then I started to think though that it is all about your perspective and where your passion is. To them, Thailand really is a 2-week stint. They have no plans of coming back and no real desire to. They are fine to experience it and go back to their lives in the States. To me this has become my life, my ministry. I even dream about school and my students. So vividly in fact that when I wake up I don't know if it really happened or if I just dreamed it. Because my heart is here, I am able to look past the heat, the bugs, some of the strange food, etc. I have also been trying to be intentional about waking up, and being thankful for having one more day. One more day with these students, one more day in Thailand, one more day to be a part of something bigger than me. It has made all the difference in my attitude this year. By looking at each day as a blessing, it makes my hardest days seem profitable instead of arduous. It was great to see the contrast between who I was a little over a year ago and who I hope to become in the future. For that, I am grateful for the time I spent with the missions team this weekend.

Another exciting piece has been my students. The more I get to know them the more I see how tender their hearts are towards the things of God. They LOVE to read the Bible, they sing to God when they are scared, they ask for prayer on a regular basis for one of their classmate who has hand/foot/mouth (which is spreading around Thailand like wildfire!). God is seeking them and they are allowing Him to work in their hearts. At the beginning of the year I thought I was going to really struggle. This is SUCH a sensitive class! I do not do good with sensitive/needy children. I don't have a strong memory of what I was like as a child but from what my mom has told me I was extremely sensitive. I must have used it all up as a child because while I am sensitive about certain issues, for the most part I would not classify myself in that manner. Regardless, I have little patience for sensitive, needy, easy to cry students. This class is sensitive to the MAX! Everyday someone is crying, someone is upset---it is exhausting! I think it is a blessing though. I think their sensitive nature is what fuels their interest in God. Their sensitive hearts are receptive to the Holy Spirit's prompting. Just continue to pray for how God is working in their lives. I can't wait to see how his spirit will move this year in Thailand, in GES, and in grade 3. Enjoy these pictures from the weekend! :)  

Also my mom dad and Adam come in 4 days! I can't believe how soon they will get here! I hope they enjoy their time here and I will be sure to post pictures of our time together!

a little evangelist

My heart is so full! This week on Thursday we had open house. One of my girls, Taya, is a believer. Her dad came to talk to me at open house and he asked me if any of the other students knew the Lord. I said no, that I am pretty positive that it is only Taya. He then proceeded to tell me that she was really burdened for her friends. She started praying with them at break and reading them Scripture. They are very interested in having the relationship with Christ that Taya has. Praise the Lord! This little girl is moving mountains in my student's hearts! I am just glad that I can encourage her and pray for the little ministry that she has started! Please join me in prayer for her and the effect she has in her friends. If you knew this little girl, you would be so blessed! She is so precious and she loves the Lord SO much! Her face comes alive when she talks about God!
This Friday night and all day today (saturday afternoon) I spent the day at parties with my parents. How nice to be in the culture. To be hanging out with Thai people. They are so precious and so fun. My heart is overflowing with love for my students, for their parents, for this precious country that God holds so close to his heart! I can feel Him here so strongly right now. His Spirit is moving!
"Call to me and I will answer you, and show you great and might things which you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3 :)

happy exhausted

It is so easy to become consumed by the negative events and hard things that arise in our lives. I was struck with the fact that so often I am more willing to turn to the negative because it is "easier" to be negative than it is to change my point of view. I began tutoring this week. That means I have to wake up a half hour earlier because I tutor before school and I am tutoring for 2 hours after school. I worked a 12 hour workday yesterday. I was exhausted and needed to blow off some steam, so I went to the gym to just escape from school, to escape from work. If I had stayed at school, I would have ended up doing more work, so I grabbed a bus and made my way to the gym. As I was riding the bus, I thought about my long day. I thought about how I had 36 or so more weeks of these long days. It would have been so easy for me to get frustrated and negative about this work and long days. Instead, I changed my point of view and started thinking about the relationships I could build with the students if I tutored them after school, the extra money I would be making to pay for my eye surgery I am getting this year, and the push to be diligent in getting my work done during the day. There is much to be positive about. I truly have a love for these students, this school, and this administration that I did not have last year. Regardless of the extra work, the long hours, and the tired days I LOVE my job, I LOVE my students, and I LOVE being in Thailand. I have a joy that goes beyond my circumstances. I'm telling you this to help hold me accountable. If I complain in the future, please bring my attention back to this blog, to this mindset that I had. I can already foresee that in the future I will be needing a reminder.

a heart like Ephesus

I apologize in advance for the sporadic nature of this blog. There is so much going on right now that I have a lot to share!

First, I am struck by how incredibly God provides insight in the smallest areas of our lives. My roommate made me a BEAUTIFUL cake for my birthday! The only problem was that I also got 6 bags of chocolate/candy treats from America, lemon bars, brownies, and ice cream cake for my birthday. Needless to say, our house is swimming in sugar goodness right now. I am trying to exhibit self-control, so I thought that I would share with some of the other staff. I gave my ice cream cake to the girls who live 2 doors down, froze most of the chocolate I got as a gift so I could eat it over a longer period of time, gave away my brownies to staff members, and decided to cut up my cake to dish out to various houses. A young mother here on campus had helped my roommate come up with decorating ideas, and had loaned her some supplies so we decided to give her a big piece to share with her family. My really good friend has her mom staying here so we cut up a large piece for her, her mom, and her roommate, but then we still had one considerable chunk left that had no designated home. I decided to wrap it up and I had 2 different ideas on who to give it to and I just thought when I started walking in that direction I would make up my mind. I walked out of my door and who is standing in the cafeteria but my thai teacher. The very one that I have been praying and thinking about how to show her I care and appreciate her. It was so perfect! I gave her the chunk of cake and she was so touched and appreciative. I know that it seems so small, but these small acts of love speak volumes in our relationships with the thai staff. God knew that that small piece of cake would just bring us that much closer. I am so glad I was not selfish and decide to keep that cake for myself!

On a secondary note, I was also really convicted today in church. There was a video series that they started today because they did not have anyone available to preach. I was not really that excited about it and I was started thinking of other things like all the work I needed to do when I got back home. As I slowly started tuning in, I realized he was speaking to me! The series is on the seven churches in Revelations. It focuses on one church in every message so this week it was on the church in Ephesus. I realize in many ways my heart matches the heart of this church. He was saying on paper it looks like they have it all together. They have sound doctrine, the give generously in church, they know the Bible/Sunday School answers, but they are dealing with the sin of a lack of love. He continued to talk about how when we get easily annoyed, frustrated, angry, etc. with people, we are sinning in responding with those emotions instead of responding in love. I was so convicted in thinking about my relationships with people here at the school. I find it very easy to love my students and to love the thai teachers, my thai friends at the gym, even my friends at the restaurants I eat at. It's because they don't know God. I have so much more patience and love for them. However, the people I work with I struggle with many. I am easily frustrated, I get annoyed with them over little things, I have no patience. I think this is because I don't feel like I need to love them in the same way. I don't feel like I need to extend God's love to them because they already have it. They are aware of the love of God in a way that my non-believer friends are not. I suffer from a sin of with holding love. I know that Paul writes about how his love abounds for the believers in Philippi with knowledge and depth of insight. I was struck that the people who I have the hardest time loving are the ones that I know the least. The ones that I don't have the patience to get to know or even the desire to get to know. I know that I do not have to be best friends with everyone, but in Thailand where the body of Christ is so spread-out and few and far between, I am not doing much to unify it. I would appreciate prayers to deepen my love for my brothers and sisters in Christ. So often I pray to see the Thai people through God's eyes but I have never prayed to see fellow believers through His eyes. Last year I learned how to love transcending culture, and I think this year God is trying to teach me how to love within it. 

and so it begins...

One week (or rather two short days) of school down, and a full week starts up tomorrow! My class is SO different from last year. They seem so little and they have SO much energy! I have had to be pretty strict last week and that is true even more so tomorrow and all this week. I feel like this first month is going to be very important to establish clear expectations and behavior in the classroom. I know they have been a problem for teachers in the past and I am trying to keep that at bay this year! They are so sweet though and I am really excited for all this year holds.

As some of you know I have really been struggling knowing what to do about a church and the youth group I was helping out with last year. After a lot of talking to others and really praying about the decision, I decided to not help out anymore. I feel at peace with the decision. I found I was pouring myself out SO much and I was never really being filled. You can only give so much for so long until you are dry. Last year I ended the school year bone dry, weary, and extremely frustrated. That was not fair to my students, who are my first and most important ministry.

New teachers this year are really struggling to adjust to the culture. They don't like the food, the heat, the "Thai" way our school is run, or the expectations of the Thai parents. Don't get me wrong, each one of these things (expect the food of course!) has been a source of struggle for me at some point in my time here. Just pray that they would adjust and that God would make them culturally sensitive and aware. Once you start to have a heart for these people, it is so much easier to avoid feelings of frustration over little things.

On a happy note, I have made a really strong connection with my thai teacher, Kru Pon. On Friday, we sat after school for an hour and talked. She told me in her broken English mixed with my broken Thai the story of how she and her husband fell in love. Thai people don't let you in very easily, you have to earn their trust for a long, personal story like that. I praise God that we are bonding! I just hope that we can continue to deepen our relationship. She is such a special woman, and she has such a special heart. God is big enough to reach her where she is, and I pray I am here to witness it.

Sorry I know that this post is sporadic but so much has happened in the two weeks or so that I have been back. God has really put this verse on my heart for this year and I would like to share it with you. "My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever!" Psalm 73:26

finished product!

Here is that video that would not load yesterday. I have more pictures for all of you though because my room is pretty much DONE! YAY! And I still have tomorrow to do last minute details! AHHHH!!! I love not being stressed! So here is my lovely room! :) I am very proud of it!